Jun. 14, 2016

There Are Some Things You Don't Post: Sunday, June 5, 2016

There are some things you don’t post onto your blog. There are some things that are meant to be kept to yourself. There are moments that not everyone needs to know about. There are details that people should be spared from. But you know what? I’ve done that before, I’ve traveled that route. I’ve kept quiet. And where did that get me? Alone. One of the many things I’ve learned in the past year is to open up, to share. Besides, this is my journal. My blog. And there are no rules.

My experiences here in Saltillo have been conflicting. I have loved every moment of being here. God has truly shown me more of His greatness and how He will always take care of me. I have never once even for a second doubted His presence here with me. It has been worth every second, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not difficult at times.

But people don’t want to hear about the struggle, the confusion, and the tears. If that’s you then stop now. Hit the red X in the top right and go on pretending that everything is perfect. But that’s not real life. So here I am, taking a sledge hammer to the walls I once lived safely behind.

Sometimes the feelings that we are overwhelmed with don’t come along with a description. Sometimes it’s just a rush of emotions that doesn’t bring words, but instead tears. It’s never one thing but always a mix. Sundays are the toughest because that’s when I have lots of downtime. Sundays are the only days that we aren’t super busy and I actually have time to miss my family and friends back home.

After being here for three weeks it really hit me today. Sitting in a church where I am clueless as to what is going on really makes me miss church back home. I want to be there sitting next to my sister around all of my friends. I want to be where I know the words to all the songs and my friends are the ones singing them. I want to be where I understand the message without having to read it off of little notes passed to me.

Tonight was probably the hardest yet. Tyler video called me with the whole group there, including Tiffany and Lance. It’s hard to see everyone back home, going on with their lives regardless of whether I’m here or there. And tonight I just wanted to be there with them all instead of just my face on a screen.

Then Mom sent me a picture of her and Dad with the fawns. That’s when it really hit me that I wanted to be home with my parents. I love Serena and Mark don’t get me wrong, but I really want to be with my parents sometimes.

It’s difficult being here for so many reasons. There are so many conflicting feelings. I love it here, I really do. I love the people and everything I’ve been doing. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to come down here and enjoy it just enough to be okay, but not enjoy it just enough to know that I was ready to go home and never come back. But that’s not the case. Like I said I love it. And that terrifies me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. All I know is that I’m supposed to be glorifying God in all I do and what I’m doing is teaching English here and focusing on school when I get back.

Then all these people here ask me when I’m going to come back and if I’m going to move here. Then I’m torn because I love these people here and I know that God called me to them for a specific purpose. I just also miss my family and friends like no other. I’m not diminishing all the things that God has done for me because He has been so so good to me and so faithful.

I’m human though. Even with the strength of God holding me, sometimes I still need to cry. Sometimes I’m selfish. Sometimes I slip and put my own selfish desires above God’s perfect plan. I thank Him that these moments are few and far between. But boy are they hard.